


The Only Thing I Ever Felt Good At

by givebackmylifecas



Series: Quote Inspirations [8]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Dean Has Self-Worth Issues, Depressed Dean, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Hurt Dean Winchester, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-16
Updated: 2017-05-16
Packaged: 2018-11-01 08:39:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,408
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10918275
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/givebackmylifecas/pseuds/givebackmylifecas
Summary: “Dean, can we talk?”, Cas says and Dean almost falls to his knees, because he waited seven years to hear those words from him, but now he doesn’t think he wants them.“No.”, Dean says, trying to steady his breaths.“No?”, Cas asks, tilting his head to the side.He takes a few steps away from Cas, but he just follows, the guy never did understand the concept of personal space.“No Cas. We can’t talk. I just… this is too much – seeing you. It’s just… I can’t. I’m sorry.”, Dean chokes out and this time when he turns and leaves, Castiel doesn’t follow him.Castiel left Dean a wreck when he left himm seven years ago, so how will Dean cope when a chance meeting brings them back into each other's lives?





	The Only Thing I Ever Felt Good At

**Author's Note:**

> This was inspired by the quote "Loving you was the last thing I felt really good at" by Rudy Francisco.
> 
> Mild trigger warnings for references to self-harm and Dean drinking.
> 
> It starts off painful, but it gets better I swear!

Dean didn’t want to go out. It had been a long day at work, Bobby had more customers than usual due to the sudden change in weather, which caused an influx of people wanting their tyres changed. He had spent ten long hours working at the auto-shop, only to come home to the empty apartment that up until last week he had shared with his now ex-girlfriend Lisa.

All he wanted was to collapse onto the sofa with a cold beer and watch Dr. Sexy reruns. But then he remembered it was his friend Charlie’s birthday party.

So he forced himself into the shower and then into a clothes that weren’t oil-stained and made his way to Harvelle’s Roadhouse, where Charlie was hosting her 27th birthday celebration.

When he stepped through the familiar doors of the Roadhouse, he felt some of the tension ease from his shoulders. Maybe it would be good to spend some time with his family and friends, at least it would take his mind off Lisa for a while.

He made his way over to the bar where he was immediately assaulted by Charlie, who jumped on him and pulled him in for a tight hug.

“Hey Charlie, happy birthday!”, he said in the most upbeat voice he could muster.

“Dean! I’m so glad you came!”, she said still hugging him, before pulling back to give him a concerned look. “How are you doing?”

“I’m fine, Charlie.”, Dean said, rolling his eyes. “It’s not a big deal, Lisa and I weren’t meant to be. I mean, pretty much everyone thought so, right?”

Charlie had the good grace to look at least slightly embarrassed by the last part. She had never particularly warmed to Lisa, and had told Dean from the beginning that she didn’t think Lisa was the one for him. Five months later it had turned out that – as with most things – Charlie was right. Lisa wanted more than Dean could give her, wanted a deep love that Dean had been incapable of giving.

“Dean!” he turned when he heard a familiar voice behind him and saw Jo, his childhood best friend and daughter of the Roadhouse’s matriarch Ellen, coming towards him bearing a tray full of tequila shots.

“Jo! Please tell me one of those is for me.”, he says, gesturing to the drinks. She grins and hands one to him and another to Charlie.

“Dean, you know there’s always alcohol for you here.”, she says, winking and setting the tray down on the bar. She takes a shot for herself and together they drink the tequila, toasting Charlie as they do it.

Jo stays to chat with Dean for a while, as Charlie goes to greet more guests. He waves away her concerned questions and downs three more shots. He actually starts to enjoy himself. He had forgotten how much he loved spending time with Jo.

Jo and him are just about to down their sixth shot, when Jo’s face suddenly darkens.

Dean turns in the direction she is looking in and feels his stomach drop.

Charlie is heading towards them and with her is… Cas.

Dean watches as Cas walks towards him, and it’s like the past seven years never happened. Cas still looks the same as ever, rumpled suit, piercing blue eyes that Dean could drown in and he even has the stupid trench coat that he loved so much draped over his arm.

“Hey guys!”, Charlie says, bouncing over to them with Cas. “Guys, this is Castiel. Castiel this is –“

“Hello Dean.”, Cas interrupts her. A wave of confusion passes over Charlie’s face as she looks between Dean and Cas. Cas is smiling genially, but for his part, all Dean can do is stare.

“You two know each other?”, Charlie asks brightly.

Jo shakes her head. “Charlie don’t.”, she says warningly.

Dean can feel Cas staring at him and he knows he has to leave now before he does something he might regret.

Dean sets his shot glass back down on the counter, as Charlie looks at him with an even deeper look of confusion on her face.

“This has been great Charlie, but really, I should be going.”, he says, backing away from the bar before turning on his heel and practically sprinting out of the bar.

He hears people calling his name, but he ignores them, focussed on getting as far away from Cas as possible. Except when he finally stops running, a couple blocks from his apartment, he hears his name again. But this time it’s being called by a gravelly voice he’d do anything to escape from in that moment.

He looks behind him to see Cas standing there, his cheekbones dusted a light pink from exertion.

“Dean, can we talk?”, Cas says and Dean almost falls to his knees, because he waited seven years to hear those words from him, but now he doesn’t think he wants them.

“No.”, Dean says, trying to steady his breaths.

“No?”, Cas asks, tilting his head to the side and Dean had forgotten how cute that was.

He takes a few steps away from Cas, but he just follows, the guy never did understand the concept of personal space.

“No Cas. We can’t talk. I just… this is too much – seeing you. It’s just… I can’t. I’m sorry.”, Dean chokes out and this time when he turns and leaves, Castiel doesn’t follow him.

* * *

 Dean calls in sick the next day. Bobby, assuming he has a hangover, calls him an idjit and tells him to drink lots of water.

Dean spends all day in bed, drinking the whiskey he found in the back of a kitchen cupboard and watching whatever happens to be on TV.

He passes out on the couch around 2am and when his alarm rings the next day, he just shuts it off, before going back to sleep in his bed this time.

He passes the next three days in a similar manner. Sleep – drink – eat – throw up – drink more – sleep – repeat. He gives Bobby some half-assed excuse about having the stomach flu, which he’s sure the old man only accepts because they’re practically family.

When a week passes and Dean still hasn’t gone into work, Bobby comes by his apartment. He takes one look at Dean, before forcing him to sit down and tell him what happened.

Dean manages one word: “Cas” at which Bobby shakes his head and tells him to take as much time as he needs.

* * *

Two weeks into Dean’s self-imposed, alcohol-fuelled exile, his brother Sam stops by. The big moose forces him to eat a salad and asks him if there’s anything he can do for him.

“S’nothing you can do Sammy. It’s my fault anyway. He showed up and wanted to talk. Should’ve let him talk.”, Dean says and Sam’s eyes turn sad.

“Jo mentioned he was at Charlie’s party. Apparently, they know each other from grad-school. She feels terrible by the way, says she didn’t know he was the guy you told her about.”, Sam says as he throws away the empty liquor bottles that are littered around Dean’s apartment.

Dean sighs. “It’s not her fault. I told you it’s nobody’s fault but my own. He left because of me.”

Sam gives his usual best effort to convince Dean not to blame himself, but as per usual is unsuccessful. He learned a long time ago that trying to convince his brother of his own worthiness and lack of guilt was a lost cause. 

* * *

Dean spends several more days holed up in his apartment, and although he doesn’t drink he resorts to something he is a lot less proud of. By the end of the third week after Charlie’s party, his arms are littered with cuts that hadn’t been made there for a long time and he hasn’t eaten in two days.

That’s when Jo arrives, a whirlwind of righteous anger, bandaging his arms and forcing him to eat. She tells him she is going out to get him groceries and is gone for a good two hours, during which Dean stares at his TV, not processing anything he sees or hears.

When Jo returns, he ignores her, until he realises she isn’t alone.

“Hello Dean.”, Castiel says and Dean nearly breaks down in tears there and then.

Jo walks to the front door. “I’m going to leave you two to talk.”, she says, quietly shutting the door behind her.

Dean moves further into the corner of the couch, pulling his knees up to his chest as Cas carefully sits down next to him.

“How have you been, Dean?”, Castiel asks and Dean almost laughs at the irony. Almost.

“Just swell, Cas. How are you?”, He says drily and he sees Castiel’s face fall almost imperceptibly.

“Tell me how you are, Dean. Really.”, he says and Dean shakes his head.

“No, Cas. I won’t. You don’t get to ask that anymore. You don’t have the right! _You_ left _me_! You don’t get to ask!”

He chokes back tears and he can feel the urge to scratch at the barely healed wounds under Jo’s careful bandages almost overwhelm him. It must have showed, because suddenly Castiel is holding Dean’s hands in his, just like he used to when Dean had a panic-attack and tried to hurt himself.

Cas’ expression is solemn as he speaks. “I know that Dean and believe me, I have regretted that decision for a very long time.”

“Then why did you do it?”, Dean whispers, his tears falling in earnest now.

Castiel exhales audibly and his thumbs begin to gently stroke over Dean’s knuckles. “You know why, Dean. My family were not accepting and I was young and foolish and believed them more important than the person I cared most about. The person I will _always_ care the most about.”

Dean pulls his hands from Cas’ grip. “You could have come back to me. You seem to have figured it out now.”

Cas’ eyes sadden. “Yes, I could’ve. But it took me two years to realise that I couldn’t live according to my family’s wishes anymore and by then I thought you would’ve moved on. That you wouldn’t want me anymore. And I couldn’t blame you. I hurt you terribly, I wouldn’t take me back.”

“I can’t believe you.”, Dean says shaking his head. “You think after all we went through, I would have turned you away? I _never_ stopped loving you, Cas!”

A single tear makes its way down Cas’ face. “I wish you had stopped Dean, look what I’ve done to you.”

Dean swallows. “Sometimes I wish that too.”, he says and Cas nods, wiping his eyes on his sleeve.

“I am sorry, Dean. I left you when you were vulnerable and I hurt you immeasurably. It seems that I have unwittingly hurt you again.”, Cas says, gesturing to Dean’s bandaged arms. "I should go." He gets up to leave, but Dean catches his wrist.

“Wait, Cas. Please. Please don’t leave again. Not yet, anyway.”, he breathes and Castiel nods, returning to the sofa. They sit in silence for a few moments, before Cas speaks again.

“Can I ask, again, how you really are, Dean?”, he asks and Dean tries to remember how to breathe when Cas turns the full force of his blue eyes on him.

“Do you remember that you once told me, you can make it through ten seconds of anything?”, Dean asks and when Cas nods, he continues. “While you were there, Cas, I believed it. Ten seconds of pain, ten seconds of terror, ten seconds of absolute, soul-crushing grief – I could make it through that. And in the beginning, after you left, I tried, I really did. I counted those ten seconds again and again and I breathed through the pain and through the fear. Through the moments where I begged my heart to stop beating and my lungs to give out, I just counted to ten again and again and again and again. But those seconds added up and suddenly I would realise I had been bleeding in the shower for 45 minutes. I would see that I had been lying on the floor for hours and I hadn’t eaten for days. It had been months since I had laughed and years since I was happy. So that’s how I’ve been Cas. I’ve been counting. It’s been over 200 million seconds since you left and I’ve been taking them ten at time, trying not to break, but I don’t think I can do it anymore. I can’t.”

He finishes talking, he has more to say, but the sobs clawing their way up from his chest are overwhelming and rob him of his speech.

And then Cas’ arms are around him, holding him just like he used to when Dean would break down and forget how to breathe. Cas steadies him, just like he used to and eventually Dean’s lungs start working normally again.

“Loving you was the only thing I ever felt good at, Cas. And you took that away from me.”, he whispers and Cas holds him even tighter.

“I am so sorry, Dean. I am sorry for hurting you and I am sorry for not coming back to you sooner. I know this is probably a long shot, but I would like the opportunity to make amends. To possibly begin again? Could we maybe go out for dinner?”

Dean extricates himself from Cas’ hold and looks at him for a moment, before nodding slowly.

“Yes, you can take me out for dinner.”, he says and Cas’ face breaks out into his breath-taking smile. “But, Cas. We can’t just go back to the way things used to be. A lot has happened.”

Cas nods solemnly. “I completely understand Dean. We will take things as fast or slow as you want.”

Dean gives him a watery smile. “In that case, I really want you to kiss me.”

Cas looks taken aback. “You do?”, he asks and before he can protest anymore, Dean leans forward and presses their lips together in a chaste kiss.

“I missed you, Cas.”, he says when they break apart.

“I missed you too, Dean.”, he replies, wrapping his arms tighter around him.

 

They knew that they still had a long way to go to recover from the wounds of the past, but they had faith that this time, they could make it work.

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, here's hoping you didn't think this was too awful. And yes, I am back to writing angst at 3am because my neighbours are very loud.  
> Drop me a Comment or Kudos if this didn't make you want to throw up, or even if it did. Or come say hi on tumblr (@givebackmylifecas)


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